Dear Lord: Are You Sure?

Dear Lord,

Thank you for accepting me. For loving me.

And, are you sure?

Even despite those mislead times and choices that so obviously displayed my rotten self-possession?

My worship of myself?

My vanity in choosing whatever felt good at the moment. Choosing what might bring me the most comfort at the time.

My obsession with looking a certain way to others and orchestrating detail.

My concern with my image and the accrual of things – material or social status symbols – to enhance that image. (I didn't know a collective "image" of me does not even exist!)

My obsession with hiding certain things from others and orchestrating detail.

My concern with keeping the secrets of my personal life secret, the struggles, that I fought to hide in order to maintain that image? (I didn’t know we have no private lives!)

My confusion in thinking countless hours with psychologists or psychiatrists working on myself was actually so that I could be a better person to others in my life. (What utter self-deception!)

The individuals that I’ve hurt in pursuit of my own comfort.

You forgive me for those things I’ve done?

Those things that that only now bring tears to my eyes, as only now do I understand how profoundly they pained you.

I weep not for my choices, for the girl and woman who made them; this here is not self-pity.

I weep for your forgiveness and love despite my choices. That you knew I needed to make them in order to know you.

And you were here with me the entire time.

Thank you for this day.